I do the things I hate, and can't do the things I know I should.

Why does it feel like Ripping your head apart to try and do the right thing all the time. I know what's happened
I know how I ought to feel, I know I want to change it right now and just get better so I dont hurt anybody anymore. I don't want to take anything out on anybody, I'm tired of being bipolar and always on edge. I've hurt enough people in this change. Why can't I just relax and go back to being me. Why do I feel like the slightest thing can make me want to throw someone to the floor and yell and scream. It's just not that huge a deal right? I feel like a bipolar child. Happy and ready to play with anyone at any given moment, and ready to throw a tantrum the next. I don't want to... It's wrong. I'm not an angry person. I'm usually so calm. Nobody has done anything wrong. But I can't seem to express that to the people I care about the most.

Yes, it's all a bunch of water under the bridge now. But what about tomorrow, what about next week. Maybe I'm just...words. I think that's the best way to say it. Words. I know I've made people mad. I'm sorry. I don't want to be a bone of contention anymore. I can't make myself press past the hurt. I'm just too weak to. I'll get there at some point, but most likely not today; not tomorrow.

To those of you who don't me well yet, sorry to say, I probably won't be the same person in a few months. It's just a matter of coming back to myself again. Apparently I've not been myself in a long time.

I'll apologize before hand. Even those of us with really stable positions and raising have issues. I'm sure you all understand. This is just a musing, a deep one.